Bullet the Blue SKY

U2’s 1987 anti-war song off the Joshua Tree album is also an anti-American song. The repeated lyrics toward the end “outside is America” is a reference to the villagers of El Salvador living a tranquil life in their homes, in stark contrast to the Civil War waging all around them, with U.S. soldiers intervening. Bono saw this on a visit there in 1980 and no doubt felt comparisons to the plight of his own Irish homeland. Oppressive government, freedom fighters, terrorism, it’s all there. Add the fact that in the case of El Salvador, America goes and backs the “oppressive government”, and that just ticks everyone off. When they perform the song live, there’s always videos behind them with graphic images of war and carnage. C’mon hon, let’s bring the kids to the U2 concert!!!

Castle GRAYskull

In 1982, Mattel created the Masters of the Universe line of toys, and the main character was a fully-muscled wavy blonde-haired dude called He-Man, looking a lot like an L.A. surfer on roids. So popular was he that people often refer to anything Masters of the Universe-related as He-Man. (An example of synechdoche for those word geeks out there.) It’s not so easy being a warrior hero with model looks though. He’s actually tasked with protecting a mystical powersource that …. you know…. if it was in the wrong hands…. I mean, all sorts of bad stuff would happen…. cats and dogs living together, that sort of thing. So He-Man keeps the thing locked up in a fortress with a menacing skull on the front, and it’s called, you guessed it, the above title. The bad guy, Skelator, has got a boner for that powersource, and he will just not give it a rest.

Dexys MIDNIGHT Runners

Sometimes all you need is one hit. Just one. And then MTV will play it over and over again, and everyone will know it. And you can tour for the next 20 years, and at your concerts people will go because they know that ONE song, and they sit around and wait for it, and finally it comes, and they all stand up and sing along, and for five brief minutes, the audience is pumped and cheering, and all is right with the world. And then you go back to playing your other songs, and people are already checking their cell phones and texting. This British pop band knows all about that, because in 1982 they wrote “Come On Eileen” which is like one of the best songs from the 80’s ever. Although according to multiple sources, they had another hit called “Geno”, but I watched it on Youtube, and I’ve never heard of it, and neither have you. So it doesn’t count.

FOREST Moon of Endor

The third film in the Star Wars trilogy (and I’m talking the good one, not the stupid Jar Jar Binks recent crap) came out in 1983. After rescuing Han Solo from carbonite, Princess Leia gets captured and has to wear this kick-ass metal bikini, where she looks smokin’ hot and gives every teenage boy at the time wet dreams. Mmmmmmm. Anyway, then some other stuff happens, and they all wind up on this “forest moon” with a bunch of Ewoks, cause George Lucas was starting to go senile. And ultimately good triumphs over evil, blah blah blah, and in the last scene Han Solo’s like “I heart you Leia, but you’re all up in Luke’s force”. And she’s like “ew, that’s my bro” and he’s all “WTF” and then they make-out.

Garfield ORANGE

Okay, technically the Garfield comic was born in 1978. But honestly, there’s like nothing orange from the 80’s. It really came down to two things that had been around forever. The Orange Bowl added Fed Ex in 1989, and the County Register newspaper added the word Orange in 1985. Yeah, that’s all I could find. I was almost like, screw it, I’m calling a team Orange Pokey Clyde after the orange ghost from Pac-Man. That’s how desperate I got. But I ultimately settled on the famous cartoon cat who loves lasagna and hates Mondays, and spawned two motion pictures made by Twentieth Century Fox (allowing me a shameless plug). For those who don’t know about it, you have to check out the website http://garfieldminusgarfield.net/ for pure surreal brilliance.

GREEN Slime

You Can’t Do That on Television began airing in the US in 1981and pretty much made Nickelodeon a success. It was easily the highest rated show, and the signature gag was kids dropping buckets of green slime on unsuspecting victims, usually regular cast members (especially mainstay Christine “Moose” McGlade for those who really remember the show). But of course, every guest host could pretty much count on getting slimed at least once during an episode. 30 years later, Nickelodeon still uses the green slime reference in many of their logos and shows. The “Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards” logo, for example, always contains some green slime in it. Now, if you’re really savvy, you remember what phrase someone would say that caused them to get slimed. Do you know?

Jerry BROWN

California’s governor during the early 80’s also ran for president (unsuccessfully) in 1980, ran for Senate (unsuccessfuly) 1982 and is now trying to re-run for California governor this November when Arnold’s term ends. Can he pull the hat trick? I call blind ding. (Oh shoot, I just looked it up and he’s leading in on-line polls. I suck at that game.) On the plus side, during his governorship he placed more women and minorities in high government positions than any previous executive, and he also legalized acupuncture. Yes, that’s right. The ability to put a needle in your eyebrow to make your elbow pain go away, you can thank Jerry for that.

Joan Jett and the BLACKhearts

Did you see the film that came out a couple months ago called “The Runaways” about Joan Jett’s teenage band? Well, this was her next phase. The lesbian rocker tried a solo career, but 23 record labels rejected her album. So she and a friend said screw that, we’re making our own label, and Blackheart records was born. Playing off that name, she put out an ad for musicians, and got three unknown guys to become the Blackhearts. Their first album produced the hit “I Love Rock ‘n’ Roll” in 1982. Here’s a little known fact. Joan Jett for a time lived in Rockville Centre, New York, which is my home town and I lived mere blocks from her. Her house was enormous and literally bordered a golf course that excluded blacks, jews and gays. That meant if an errant golf ball struck her house, she was not allowed to walk on the course and return it. Food for thought.

Pretty in PINK

John Hughes left one indelible legacy: the teenage angst film. Because as we all know, nothing is more important than anything that happens to a teen. And in the 1986 film starring bratpack veterans Molly Ringwald and Andrew McCarthy, angst is the word. The basic plot runs kind of like a modern Romeo & Juliet, minus the overly-dramatic suicides. A pair of star-crossed lovers, one rich, one poor, are kept apart by their different social circles. And since it’s a John Hughes film, there’s always the archetype “best friend who secretly crushes on the lead”. Although forces conspire to keep our loverbirds apart, ultimately love conquers all, and they finally make out in the end. This is what makes teen films so great. It ends happily-ever-after at prom. You don’t have to see how next year he gets into Princeton and moves away, and she’s stuck at home in a community college, and he tries to stay faithful, but college girls like to party…

RED M&Ms

This is a spectacular case of consumer panic leading to stupid rash decisions. In the early 70’s some Russian scientists said red dye #2 causes cancer. Although no deaths could be proved, the FDA bans the dye just to be safe. Okay, that seems reasonable enough. But then public panic took it a step further. Suddenly people freaked out big time over this red dye thing, and now they wanted everything red banned. They petitioned Mars candy company to pull red M&M’s out of their bags. And the company relented in 1976. The ban lasted 11 years, when in 1987 the red M&M was finally re-introduced, and the first brave souls confidently downed the yummy red chocolate nuggets. Here’s the catch though. M&M’s never used red dye #2 in their products. People just assumed if it looks red, it must be bad. This, my friends, was a clear case of candy racism. We should all be ashamed.

ROYAL Wedding

On July 29, 1981, 750 million people tuned in worldwide to watch the marriage of Prince Charles to Lady Diana at St. Paul’s Cathedral. The immense following was due in large part to the seeming fairy-tale story of Diana Spencer, who did have royal bloodlines (illegitimately) but was otherwise an unlikely choice for the Prince to marry, since she became the first commoner to marry an heir to the throne in over 400 years. During the ceremony she screwed up his name, calling him by his father’s name. Woops. And he forgot to kiss her at the end. Just slipped his mind, I guess. Interestingly, Prince Charles was previously linked to Diana’s older sister Sarah. Normally it’s impossible to pull off the sister switch, although many men have tried. It’s good to be the future king. That’s all I’m saying.

Solid GOLD

Just about the cheeziest show in the history of television. Solid Gold used to do a countdown of the top ten songs for the week, and the Solid Gold dancers would dance them out. Except that none of the dance routines had anything to do with the songs, and the only thing you could figure kept this show on the air was that it was probably the most skin you could see on TV at the time. In fact, despite this show lasting nearly every year of the 80’s, I could not find it mentioned on any list of the best shows of the decade. And believe me, I searched. Here’s the most interesting fact I found. Dancer Cooley Jackson taught Michael Jackson the moonwalk. No relation however. Cooley Jackson is black. Ooh, too soon?

The Color PURPLE

Steven Spielberg, known for his previous forrays into adventure and science fiction, took a surprising turn in directing this 1985 drama about a black woman in 1930’s Georgia, based on the book written three years earlier. The film addressed racism, sexism, lesbianism, family dysfunction and abuse. You, know, a comedy! It’s been called the most racist depiction of black men since Birth of a Nation, and one black novelist labeled the film a Nazi conspiracy. But it was the 4th highest grossing film of 1985, and its 11 Oscar nominations were tied for most that year (although it was shut out, tying the record for most noms without a win). The “color purple” originally meant something bad, but then later stood for something good. Just like “USC Women’s Ultimate”.

WHITEsnake

This is our first spin-off of a previous team name. Ooh, intrigued, huh? Well I bet you didn’t know that the English band Whitesnake was founded by a member of the 70’s band Deep Purple (which was a Men’s League team last year)? Neither did I until I read it on Wikipedia. The title of the band came from the album White Snake, which was founder David Coverdale’s first solo attempt. The musicians that performed on that album just became the band. And eventually they were one of the signature “hair bands” of the 80’s. Their power ballads “Here I Go Again” and “Is This Love” both had videos featuring Tawny Kitaen, who would later become David Coverdale’s wife. She was pretty hot, but a little kooky. She once kicked the shit out of her ex-boyfriend, a major league pitcher. Girl power!

BLACK Monday

October 19, 1987. The Minnesota Twins were up 2-0 in the middle of the most epic World Series ever. England had just suffered their worst storm in nearly 300 years. And people in the U.S. were still talking about the rescue of Baby Jessica who fell down a well. And then, out of nowhere the stock market crashed. First in Hong Kong, and then everywhere. The largest single day drop in history, worse than the Great Depression. Worse than the one we just had. I mean, to this day, noone really knows why. Lots of speculation. Nothing concrete. The prevailing theory has to do with computer programs that rapidly escalated falling prices. Got me, I don’t know anything about finance. You could tell me a drop in rum and coke prices caused the crash, and that would sound pretty reasonable to me.

BLUE Velvet

I’m just gonna say it. David Lynch is a whack job. He comes up with the craziest shit, and his 1986 thriller about a man who finds a severed ear is like par for the course. To sum up a David Lynch film is like ripping up a dollar bill. It doesn’t make any sense. (Oh! Get it? Get it?) Critics weren’t big fans of this film either when it came out, but shortly after it hit the video shelves, it became a cult classic. Isabella Rosselini played her first dramatic role, and she has some pretty sexy scenes. I will give this to David Lynch. I don’t understand his stuff, but he sure knows how to get you hot and bothered. But then again, to be fair, that’s easy with me. Who am I kidding?

Gang GREEN

A little bit of controversy around this name because many New Yorkers have been using the term Gang Green to refer to the Jets ever since the 70’s. But in the late 80’s, this term also applied to the defensive unit for the Philadelphia Eagles. That defense propelled them to two playoff appearances in the late 80’s and a couple more in the early 90’s. Although that’s pretty much it. No Super Bowl appearances. The defense never led the league in any category. And only Reggie White attained any real fame. I guess I could’ve made a team called Reggie White instead, the sack specialist who later became a preacher. Who then got into trouble for rattling off a bunch of stereotypes about several ethnic groups, and saying homosexality is a choice. Hmmm, you know, maybe Gang Green was the better choice afterall.

ICE Cube

Born O’Shea Jackson, the rapper known as Ice Cube became a successful solo artist and movie star, but he first gained his fame as a member of the group N.W.A., formed with Dr. Dre and Eazy-E. The A in NWA stood for Attitude, and they did not lack that particular attribute. When you write a song called “Fuck the Police”, you’re not really holding back, are you? But it was an odd song for Ice Cube to write, considering that although he did grow up in South Central, it turns out his upbringing wasn’t gang-related and he has no criminal record. I mean, c’mon, even Rob Severson’s been arrested. (I pay attention to “Never Have I Ever”).

PURPLE Rain

This 1984 title could just as easily refer to the motion picture, the soundtrack album for the motion picture, or the main-title song from the soundtrack album for the motion picture. A little excessive, but then, so was Prince. Put together as a vehicle for Prince, the movie was an autobiographical account of Prince’s life growing up in Minneapolis and how he became a musician. Kind of what “8 Mile” was for Eminem, but with a lot more lipstick and eye shadow. The movie won an Oscar for best score and the album has been called the greatest soundtrack album of all time. Prince kind of jumped the shark though after that album. Although he did have a couple later hits, none reached #1. His movie career instantly fizzled and he stopped making videos. Then he became a Jehovah’s Witness. Insert funny comment here.

Simply RED

This British group used to be a punk rock band called The Frantic Elevators, but changed their name to reflect their evolving musical style. The name comes from lead singer Mick Hucknall’s nickname Red, which is - shockingly enough - because he has red hair. Their biggest hit was “Holding Back the Years” written in 1986 and their fame was mid-to-low through most of the 80’s. I think the most interesting thing about this band though is that they are apparently ending their final tour at the time I wrote this, and after this tour, they will be split up. So this is literally your last chance to see this band live before they are finished forever. Do I hear any takers? *Cricket.* *Cricket.*

WHITE Zombie

The story of White Zombie is really the story of Rob Zombie, who was born Robert Cummings and made his Hollywood start as a production assistant on Pee Wee’s Playhouse, but later edited porn magazines, so he’s very well rounded. He began using the stage name Rob Zombie (which he legally changed to in 1996) and together with his girlfriend and a couple other buddies formed the heavy metal group White Zombie. Technically they gained most of their fame in the 90’s, but they were a huge underground cult favorite through the late 80’s, and made their mark with a surrealist style in songs such as “Scum Kill”, “Acid Flesh” and “Murderworld”. Yes, this was not your grandma’s hard rock.

YELLOWbeard

For fans of Monty Python, the sad end came in 1983 with the release of “The Meaning of Life”. It was the last piece of wholly original material from the British group. But the founding members had already been creating solo projects, and “Yellowbeard” which came out months after “The Meaning of Life”, was the 2nd film (and sadly the last) written by Graham Chapman, who died of cancer in 1989, officially ending any hope of a Python reunion. But his film completely captured their usual silly sense of humor, about a pirate imprisoned for tax evasion who escapes to track down his buried treasure. Python veterans John Cleese and Eric Idle joined a star studded cast that also featured Cheech and Chong. Cleese, in fact, said he did the film completely out of loyalty to his old Cambridge classmate, declaring the film “one of the six worst films made in the history of the world.” With friends like that…..