MEN’S LEAGUE TOURNAMENT PREVIEW
by a man who has no business writing one

So, I didn’t play in Men’s League this year, and I only saw one full game.  This makes me incredibly unqualified to write this preview.  Kind of like Brian Calle penning a “How To Score Chicks in L.A.” article.  Oh no I didn’t!  Anyway, it’s not like anyone else is stepping up to the plate, so you have to put up with my useless opinion.

This year Men’s League was pretty cool.  You had several great story lines.  Red annihilating the field, except for that one team.  The sudden collapses of Green and Blue.  Black’s completely mesmerizing reversal of fortune.  Red playing four separate #2 seeds in consecutive weeks.  Yellow and Green playing eachother twice in three days.   I could go on and on.  I’m just saying, for only eight teams, it was pretty Special K.

So let’s break down the first round match-ups.  Who’s kicking whose ass?  Who’s got the best shot to go all the way?  Who’s gonna pull the David-sized upset over Goliath?  And will Corey Sanford re-awaken the dormant Conduct Committee?

Once again, remember, I didn’t play in Men’s, so if you read this and you’re like, Bandit, you don’t even know what the hell you’re talking about - I don’t disagree with you.  That’s why God invented the comment section.  And anyway, like Fozzy Bear, I only live to entertain.  Oh, and by the way, I’m not writing a Co-ed preview (looking at you Chad Woodard… and you conspicuously silent but heavily opiniated and non-working Seth Gillum).

 #1 Simply Red (9-2) vs. #8 White Zombie (3-8)

Usually this is a gimme.  The 1 seed vs. the 8 seed.  Please.  You don’t have to be Joe Namath to call that one.  But this ain’t no usual match-up.  This one’s got intrigue baby.  Okay, Red dominated the league.  They finished 3 games ahead of the second place team.  That tied a record set by Lint Gray from 1998 Spring League.  3/4 of the way through the season they were the only team with a positive point diff. over 6!  It was a cakewalk.  John Ashcroft put more effort into his 2000 Senate race and he was up against a dead guy (and he lost, by the way).

White, meanwhile, was toast.  Missing their captain George Van Pelt for most of the season while he was doing  vuvuzela bongs at the World Cup, White managed a mere one victory through their first 8 games.  Ah, but who was that victory against?  Therein lies the rub.  It was a 15-11 light-shortened game over Red in Venice.  But… it was in Venice.  I mean, this is the same place where Black played Blue in nearly complete darkness.  The grass sucks, there’s a baseball diamond in the middle of the endzone, and even with the lights on, you can’t see an entire side of the field.  So it almost doesn’t even count.

But White and Red played a re-match in week 10 at Balboa.  And wouldn’t you know it, sneaky White took that one too, 17-13.  That meant, dear readers, that the last place team beat the first place team twice, and I can tell you from the ludicrous amounts of research I did instead of working at my job, that it’s never happened before in any LAOUT league in recorded history.  What’s even crazier is Red’s only two losses of the season came to White.  And 2 of White’s 3 victories were against Red.  That’s like opposite world.  It’s like Bizarro Superman fighting The Backwards Man (it’s a Tom Green song.  Just trust me.)

So what do I predict for Sunday?  More of the same?  Will White complete the hat trick?  Well, I’ve gotta say, a lot of signs point to the huge upset.  George will be there.  Eric Brach as far as I know will be there.  Those two guys make a big difference, and they’ve missed a chunk of time during the season.  Brach with his nagging injuries and George with his soccer fetish.  Kirk Domke told me when White has subs, they win.  When they don’t, they lose.  It’s science.  And White should have enough subs at the tourney to get a free meal at Quizno’s.  Plus, for Red, their 1st round pick Scott Mahr will not be there.  I’m so tempted to call the upset.  How trendy would that be?

But, I believe Red will find a way.  White may be their Kryptonite, but there was good Kryptonite too.  (I’m a little embarrassed I know that.)  And even without Wonderboy, Red has too many weapons.  They’re loaded with fast handlers like Hammie, Cookie and Albert Ng, and they have even faster players to throw to.  Stone was injured at draft day, but should be healthy come tourney time and gives them another deep presence.  And captain Milhouse runs forever.

My prediction:  Red 13-11. 

#2 Black Monday (6-5) vs. #7 Ice Cube (4-7)

Previous to this year, Mike Dow was the best captain in Summer League history.  Did you know that?  He holds the highest winning percentage of all time (minimum two years.)  And twice he asked me if there would be a captain of the year award.  Because if noone knows, what’s the point, right?  Well, that was then and this is now.  Ice went through a difficult year and couldn’t seem to get their act together, like Lindsay Lohan on parole.

Now Black…. there’s a story.  They start out the season 0-5.  They were the Detroit Lions of Men’s League.  But to be fair, the point diff. indicated they weren’t really that terrible.  Most of the losses were by 2 and 3 points, so they were in every game.  But for whatever reason, when the ball fell in that big roulette wheel, it just would not fall on black.

And then came the turnaround.  It was sudden.  Like Romeo ditching the crap out of Rosaline the moment he saw Clare Danes through a fishbowl.  First was a 17-6 win over last place White.  Okay, no big deal, right?  Then a 17-13 win over 7th place Ice.  Same kind of thing.  Sure, you can beat the bad teams, but what about the top seeds?  And then they went on to beat everyone.  Blue, Green, Purple, Yellow… all lost.  6 straight wins, capping a monumental 180, and breaking the record for most losses to start the season, and still finish with a winning record.  Juicy.

So that begs the question, does Black keep the momentum going?  I say yes.  Ice is good.  Miller, Collin Rich, Fawkes, Stretch, OJ, Shaggy, Zurer, Max Kaufman, captain Dow, and on and on.  It’s a strong bunch.  Miller once skied Corey Haim for Christ sake!  But Black starts with their Condors brethren Rhett Nichols and Corey Sanford setting the tone, and those two know how to win.  Hello, Nationals champions in da house!  Add Mikey Pereira who’s secretly one of the fastest players out there, Alex Mensen and Alex Chung, two players I miss from my team last year, and another Alex – Sato – who’s been a diamond in the rough for them.  Regardless of the players on both sides, I cannot overlook the fact that Black is hot right now - like Nikki Ziering in a thong hot.  And I always go with the hot hand.

My prediction: Black 13 – 8.

#3 Yellowbeard (6-5) vs. #6 Blue Velvet (4-6-1)

One thing we’ve learned is that anyone in Men’s League can clearly beat anyone else.  And that’s why a game like this is so hard to predict.  When they first met, Blue won 17-14 and was one of the best teams in the league, and Yellow was struggling worse than Sisyphus (you can google it, don’t be ashamed).  In their second meeting, the roles reversed faster than a corner pick-up in Othello, and Yellow stomped on them to the tune of 17-8.

Yellow is definitely the wildcard in this tournament.  Captained by two players from C Division in Winter League, I thought they may not know enough A&B division players at the draft to put together a winning record.  But credit goes to Ben Cohen and Drumline, who took their fair share of Abominable Snowmen cohorts at the draft, but also proved adept at picking up the right pieces and assembling them Lego-style into a high spot in the standings.  Biclops, once an overall #1 pick, not only controls the tempo on the field, but he’s good for some humorous commentary during points, like his rant about how boring it was playing zone D…. while he was playing Zone D, against Black.  I thought he was gonna pull a Kamikaze mission halfway through the point and just let them score.

Blue is an enigma.  They started off the year so strong, with only one loss in their first 6 matches.  And that was without Peaches, who I’m told didn’t show up to a single game until the tail end of the season.  He probably had better things to do, like get married or something.  At full strength, with Peaches, Gav, Ryan Reynolds and Peebs at the top end, they’ve certainly got the guns, and the height, to beat anyone.  And that’s why their second half fade has been so puzzling.  Numbers have been an issue in most of their losses, and that should be rectified on Sunday.  (heh heh  rectified)

I’m torn on this one, because Yellow’s going into the tournament as the hotter team, and it would be kind of ridiculous to make a bold statement like “I always go with the hot hand” four paragraphs ago, and then immediately ignore that in the next preview.  I mean, what am I, John Kerry?  But I gotta go with my gut, and my gut tells me at full strength, Blue wins this game.

My prediction: Blue 13 – 10.

#4 Purple Rain (6-5) vs. #5 Gang Green (5-5-1)

Stop me if you’ve heard this before.  But any team in Men’s can beat any other team.  And even though Green won the only meeting 17-12, that was when things were going much better for Green.  Both of these teams have tasted the #2 seed at some point, and both lost it in a showdown with Red.  But Purple’s managed to stay right around 50% since their ousting, and Green has fallen apart faster than Spencer and Heidi’s marriage.

Selfishly, I kind of love Green.  I know I’ve said this a billion times already, but they have six lefties on their team, which is exactly half the total in all of Men’s League.  As a fellow southpaw, it’s hard not to root for my people.  And let’s not forget who captains Green.  I’ve been trying hard all year in my daily recaps not to use the U word when discussing Jeff Chai, but let’s just say this man has more myths surrounding him than the Iraqi camel spider.  Sadly, they’ll be without Matt Mihm for the tournament, replaced by a UCSD alum named Greg Culling.  Mihm, as you know, is the closest thing man has to perfection in this world.  When God made the Mihm, he was like “daaaaamn!” and then he made the sun.

Purple is a team that was one of my pre-season picks to finish high in the standings, right behind Red.  They’ve had a roller coaster ride of a season.  But I feel that if they’re at full strength, they’re really tough to beat.  Up and down the roster, it’s strong.  It starts with guys like Brass Rod, Sleepy, Todd Kumpe, Lance Larson, US, Truck Stop, Eric Tener, AG and captain James Renfroe, but everywhere on this roster is talent.

This one’s kind of a pick ‘em.  I could easily see either side winning.  But I think the loss of Mihm is gonna be big for Green, and their two losses this week to Yellow tells me maybe this is not Jeff Chai’s year.

My prediction: Purple 13 – 11

While I’m at it, might as well predict the semis and finals too.   (I mean, let’s be honest, nothing happens if I’m wrong.  It’s not like I’m on a Japanese game show and my car gets crushed in a compactor if I screw up.)

I’m gonna say Red is too much for Purple to overcome, and Black continues their hot streak by beating Blue.  Black meets Red in the final, and Red caps an impressive season with a narrow victory, and I’m almost not at all biased by the fact I drafted Red for Milhouse.

Alright boys.  Now go out there and prove me wrong.